here we go again

Comet

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VOC Member
Last night the grim reaper came, but I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about dyson with death.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for Christmas. I went to the local pet shop, but they were £55. Blow that. I'll get one off the web.

Bought some rocket salad yesterday but it went off before I could eat it.
 

timetraveller

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VOC Member
An elephant walks into a bar, goes up to the bar keeper and says 'has my brother been in here?'. The bar keeper says 'I don't know, what does he look like?'

A convict escapes from a jail, steals some clothes from a church and gets on a train. A couple sitting down the carriage see him and the wife says to the husband 'he looks just like the Archbishop of Canterbury. Do you thing that it is?' The husband says 'I don't know but I will go over and ask him'. He approaches the sitting figure and says 'excuse me but are you the Archbishop of Canterbury? 'F**k off you miserable w***ing pile of s**t' comes the reply. The husband goes back to his wife who asks him whether it was the holy man. 'I don't know says the husband. He wouldn't tell me'.

Merry Xmas and happy New Year to all our readers.
 

mercurycrest

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VOC Member
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna
 

Howard

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VOC Member
I went to Moscow for Xmas a few years back before the fall of the Berlin Wall. We were taken on a guided tour by a taxi driver called Rudolph who was proud to be fully paid up member of the Communist Party. We looked out of the window and the wife said "Look it's really Xmas now. It's snowing." I said "I'm afraid not, it's just rain" but she insisted it was snowing. I asked the driver to settle the argument, and he confirmed it was rain, but my wife insisted it was snowing. Eventually in total exasperation I shouted ..

Wait for it...


"Rudolph the red knows rain dear!"

Merry Christmas

Howard
 

vibrac

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VOC Member
Long ago at Silverstone a young aspiring racer was trying to get a sponsor. He happened meet John Surtees outside the paddock bog and said "John you don't know me but I wonder if you could help me? I am meeting a prospective sponsor in the press tent in 10 mins I wonder if you could pop in and greet me like a long lost friend.."

John who had been a struggling racer himself and ever helpful, said he would help and they went their own ways.
Ten minutes later in the tent the young racer was sitting trying to impress his sponsor when true to his word in walked John Surtees and greeted the young racer.

"P**s off John!" said the young man, cant you see I am talking to my sponsor"
 
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