Here we go again, again.


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The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst so I've been down to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A new shop has opened across the road selling camouflage clothing, but I think something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but never saw any come out.


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A guy is really ill at home, and showing no signs of recovery. He wakes up to the smell of his favourite shortbread cooking down stairs, and thinks "How good my wife is, she's cooking my favourites." He's too weak to shout to her, so he rolls off the bed, and drags himself to the kitchen. He reaches the kitchen table and stretches an arm up to reach for a biscuit. Suddenly, a spatula hits the back of his hand, and his wife says "Leave them, they're for the funeral!"



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A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork decided to give up practicing medicine.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, so he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the former gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total mark."
"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.


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An 86-year-old Vincent Owner went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. "I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. "In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. "Out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

roy the mechanic

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I seem to remember a song by Buddy Holly, all of my love, all of my kisses , to the bloke that ran off with my misses. But my memory is not what it was. Roy.

Tug Wilson

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Every Friday on his way home a Greek guy went into his local Chinese take away and when paying for his meal said "What day is it?"
The owner said "It's Fliday". The customer found this hilarious and repeated his question every week. The owner decided to put a stop to this and signed up for elocution lessons until one day he nailed FRIDAY.
That week the Greek came in and said as usual what day is it?
The response came thus "it's FRIDAY you Gleek plick"


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A husband went to the sheriff's department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

Robert Watson

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An old friend came to me the other day and told me he was thinking of getting a divorce after 42 years of marriage. this surprised me a bit so I asked what she had done to push him to think this way. He went on to explain that for the past three months it has been extremely quiet around the house and it appears as though he has made some catastrophic error which cannot be forgiven. Hmmmmm I replied, she hasn't talked to you in 3 months, are you sure you want a divorce?

Vincent Brake

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i was followed and held by a police man on the road while speeding, as it was friday evening he said, if you can give me the best reason i have heard this week i 'll let you go.

so i replied: my wife ran off with a trooper 3 years ago, and i thought you were bringing her back to me....