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Dumb Joke


Nulli Secundus

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
VOC Forum Moderator
My wife gets very annoyed if I mess with her red wine. Last night I added sliced up fruit and lemonade and now she is sangria than ever.
 

Mr. Boring

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
The pope was in San Francisco last week for a surprise visit. After the issues at hand a cardinal asked him if there was anything he would like to do before his departure. The pope requested a tour of the town and the cardinal told he would get a motorcade. The pope said he only wanted only a driver and a automobile so his limo was readied and the tour began. After a few miles the pope dropped the dividing window and told the driver how nice the car road. After a few more minutes the driver dropped the divider window and asked if the pope would like to take over the wheel. The pope was delighted and they exchanged places. The pope took off and started to enjoy his new liberty and doubled speed limit within a few blocks. A police officer on a motorcycle pulled him over and walked up to the front door to ask for his license and was set back who he saw. He politely asked to wait for him as he would be right back. The officer called the captain right away and told him that he had a speeder and was concerned about issuing a ticket to as he was very important. The captain asked if it was the mayor and the officer said no, how about the governor and the officer said no. Is it the vice-president or the president and the officer saw no, no, much more important. The captain asked who he was and the officer said he didn't really know. The captain said. What do you mean you don't know who he is? The officer then replied let's just say he has the pope as a chauffer.
 

mercurycrest

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
A guy checks in at the airport gate to board a flight. When he gets to the gate, he puts a dead raccoon on the counter while he fishes for his ticket. The agent asks him, “What’s that?!?” The guy says, “My former pet, I’m taking it home to bury it.” The agent says, “You can’t take that disgusting thing on the aircraft!” The guy says, “Why not? It’s carrion luggage, isn’t it?”
 

Daimog

Well Known and Active Website User
Non-VOC Member
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at Kennedy Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard... he's never been out of the garden...
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Normski

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
I walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. Sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at me and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
I said, "You know what, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
I placed £20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her £20 to me, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
I replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
 

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