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Dumb Joke


mercurycrest

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
There were 3 midgets, and they were sitting down one day and the first midget said "I think I have the smallest hands in the entire world." Then the second midget said "I think I have the smallest feet in the entire world." and then the third midget said "I think I have the smallest willy in the world"
So, the first midget said "We should document this". Then the third midget said " We should go to Guiness". So the next day they went to Guiness and the first midget went in and came out 5 minutes later, and he was happy. He said "It's official! I have the smallest hands in the entire world." Then the second midget went in and came back out 5 minutes later and he was happy, and he said "It's official! I have the smallest feet in the entire world." Then the third midget went in and came back out five minutes later but he was mad, and he said "Who the hell is Cliff Richard!"
 

ClassicBiker

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
Breaking news......This just in,....... Research has recently shown 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
We now return you to our regularly scheduled absurdity.
Steven
 

Les Thomson

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
Mr & Mrs Lobster were at the beach,Mrs Lobster said she wanted an ice cream so Mr Lobster went to buy ice cream
On the way back to the beach the ice creams started to melt so he ate them.When he got back Mrs Lobster said where's
the ice creams,Mr Lobster said they were melting so I ate them.Mrs Lobster said you're shell fish
 

mercurycrest

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
 

Les Thomson

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
If a horse wears horse shoes what does a camel wear desert boots
If a lady camel with one hump married a man camel with two humps & they had a baby camel
what would they call the baby Humpfree :eek:
 

mercurycrest

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
Researchers for the Saskatchewan Highway Authorityfound over 200 deadcrowsnear the town of Yorktonrecently, and there was concernthat they may have died from Avian Flu.



A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOTAvian Flu!Also none of thelocals population have died! The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.


However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.


By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crowshad been killed by impact with trucks, while only2% were killed by an impact with a car.


SHAthen hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.


He very quickly concluded the cause: When crowseat road kill, they always have a look-out crowin a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", nota single one could shout "Truck."
 

mercurycrest

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep', the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.'Ten dollars', the guy says.'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the yard.'
 

Howard

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
One evening, an elderly couple, visiting their old university town, call in at the bar where they met, and he reminds her that they first made love against the fence at the back of the bar. A couple of drinks later he talks her into reliving their youth, and they sneak out to find the same fence. They have the most amazing sex they've had for years and the wife says "That was great. Was it all the old memories?" He says "No. I don't think the fence was electrified back then!"

H
 

mercurycrest

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

" Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who screwed up your hair?"
 

mercurycrest

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.
Once I've hit the ball,
I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes.
As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."


"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.


He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."
 

Les Thomson

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
2 mates having a game of golf one said to the other every time I play a round of golf I loose at least 3 or 4 balls.
The other mate said I have the perfect ball. He said I'll give you a demo,so he hit the ball into some ruff,up came a little aerial
with a red flag and started to wave and he walked over to where the ball was,his mate said that's great,other guy says that's nothing
watch this and he hits the ball into the lake, little aerial comes up but this time with a little propeller,starts spinning and pulls the ball onto the bank
Other mate say's that's fantastic I need a ball like that and say's where can I get one.Mate say's I don't know I found it.
 

sidmadrid

Well Known and Active Website User
VOC Member
A guy went out duck hunting, when a very powerful gust of wind blew, which caused his gun to fall over and discharge, and shoot him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't wee in your eye.
 

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